Randomly picked from my random writings, dated 21/3/2009


To no one and nothing,

In lieu of a night conversation…

I am feeling very restless, and I thought this might calm my nerves.
I hate when I get like this. So fidgety and restless - not physically of course- but in my mind. And it spirals out of control so rapidly that I feel almost helpless. Though I realize what's happening and I know how I should and I say all the right things to myself, yet I am usually quite unable to stop the flow. The increase in entropy, if you please- my nerdy side had to add.

At this moment- how do I feel exactly? what is beneath my restlessness , and beyond it? I feel scared. Distinctly. Yes, I feel fear. why? I am not sure.. I have nothing to be scared of, but yet somehow I feel scared- nervous.. as I would if I had come to school without a very crucial homework assignment in a particularly vindictive teacher's class. Yes that is almost exactly how I feel.

Nervous also - about the future, about myself. More specifically about myself in the future. Self doubt. Nobody can look at themselves objectively and assess themselves. But I have become so acutely aware of this inability that it stays with me all the time- clawing into me ... negating every clear thought I have and questioning the very basis of everything I do or feel.

I worry incessantly. I think of myself sometimes as another person- someone I care a whole deal about. But even a person you care about more than anyone else, is too much of a disconnect to have with yourself- and this worries me. I look at my dreams, and I wonder if I will realize them, I want myself to realize them, I want to help. I worry about the pain that not realizing them could bring, and the anticipation of that pain makes me sick. Yet it is almost as if I think all this of another person, a person whose actions I have no control over, but the consequences of which I will bear.
I feel tired as if I were a woman of 80 not a girl fo 23. As if the weight of the world- or 3- were upon me. Society shames such an attitude and calls it weakness. Who am I to judge, but being me and feeling it, I know it is not out of choice or for the lack of wanting different.
I cannot write anymore, and I dare say- even if you have got this far, you cannot!