Phases phrases faces
I suppose everyone always goes through phases of their life. All the time. But I think it is seldom that one can notice and observe a new phase in one's own life knowing that it is a phase. That's where I am, that's what is worth writing about for invisible internet aliens to read.
It is a most interesting phase, as phases go and it is an interesting vantage point to be observing it while being in it rather than reflecting on it from the future as is usually the case.
it's shaking things up. Not on the face of it, but inside me. Why, I wonder, do we form certain ideas, beliefs and frameworks and then stick to them as if we are them and they are us. Why do we let these ideas, rules, constructs define us so indistinguishably that we feel empty, lost or abandoned without them. And without knowing why we do this - how can we really know which of these should be immutable and which of these should be flexible and open to the winds of change.
The current me is trying to answer this in an exhilarating and possibly self destructive way. By exploring, by free falling in life. And again no, I have not left home to live with an acapella yoga troupe in Tibet. This is more like a letting lose of myself, my ideas, my relationships, my dreams. Allowing them for once to decide their own course instead of making them fit in well with the "kind of person I want to be". This obsession with being someone I can at all times be proud of, this fear of letting myself down, is something that I have lived with and by- never questioned, let alone noticed or articulated ... till recently. Then I did and I grew restless and the dichotomy I perceived within me grew. I grew tired of myself, if that is possible. It was almost like an oppressed- oppressor relationship between how I felt and how I was allowed to feel by myself. Between who I was and who I was allowed to be by myself. Every action, every emotion was being audited by me. That began to feel like an injustice to me, I had to break free. Try it some other way.
So, I am trying something very difficult for me. I am trying to just be. And to see who I am. Allow myself to walk different lives, wear different shoes, think different thoughts and find out who I really am. Before I decide who I want to be. That too shall come, in its place, in its time- but I must get the order right. Be. Then become.
And like a person let out of a dark dungeon after long solitude, I blink at first in the sun, cringe from voices and noises, feel nature with trepidation, stretch my limbs with nervous anticipation and then I breathe easy, I smile at nothing and everything, I run feeling the wind in my hair, and the grass beneath my feet., scream words of no meaning at no one in particular,let the rain drench me, let the sun dry me. I am free. I am me.
“All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring;
renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.”
< This post makes so much sense to me, I expect it to not do so to almost anyone else. I wish to be pleasantly surprised >
It is a most interesting phase, as phases go and it is an interesting vantage point to be observing it while being in it rather than reflecting on it from the future as is usually the case.
it's shaking things up. Not on the face of it, but inside me. Why, I wonder, do we form certain ideas, beliefs and frameworks and then stick to them as if we are them and they are us. Why do we let these ideas, rules, constructs define us so indistinguishably that we feel empty, lost or abandoned without them. And without knowing why we do this - how can we really know which of these should be immutable and which of these should be flexible and open to the winds of change.
The current me is trying to answer this in an exhilarating and possibly self destructive way. By exploring, by free falling in life. And again no, I have not left home to live with an acapella yoga troupe in Tibet. This is more like a letting lose of myself, my ideas, my relationships, my dreams. Allowing them for once to decide their own course instead of making them fit in well with the "kind of person I want to be". This obsession with being someone I can at all times be proud of, this fear of letting myself down, is something that I have lived with and by- never questioned, let alone noticed or articulated ... till recently. Then I did and I grew restless and the dichotomy I perceived within me grew. I grew tired of myself, if that is possible. It was almost like an oppressed- oppressor relationship between how I felt and how I was allowed to feel by myself. Between who I was and who I was allowed to be by myself. Every action, every emotion was being audited by me. That began to feel like an injustice to me, I had to break free. Try it some other way.
So, I am trying something very difficult for me. I am trying to just be. And to see who I am. Allow myself to walk different lives, wear different shoes, think different thoughts and find out who I really am. Before I decide who I want to be. That too shall come, in its place, in its time- but I must get the order right. Be. Then become.
And like a person let out of a dark dungeon after long solitude, I blink at first in the sun, cringe from voices and noises, feel nature with trepidation, stretch my limbs with nervous anticipation and then I breathe easy, I smile at nothing and everything, I run feeling the wind in my hair, and the grass beneath my feet., scream words of no meaning at no one in particular,let the rain drench me, let the sun dry me. I am free. I am me.
“All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring;
renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.”
< This post makes so much sense to me, I expect it to not do so to almost anyone else. I wish to be pleasantly surprised >
posted by inconsequential at 10:16 am
1 Comments:
I'm sorry to disappoint you but I got every word of what you wrote. :)
This topic is so dear to me, I can't help but add my two unsolicited bits:
It's easy to confuse your thoughts with who you are. Your thoughts, ideas, ideologies, and philosophies are NOT 'You'. Far from it. They probably originated in an effort to find the 'You'. But somewhere on our way here, we ended up chaining our Selves with our own ideas! Funny eh? :) Once I understood that (and I mean the kind of understanding that leads to 'belief'), all internal battles became... ummm... irrelevant.
We try to define ourselves, the Me, with (usually borrowed and scavenged)ideas when actually it should be precisely the other way round - Your ideas/ideologies should germinate from the You. You wouldn't NEED to stick to them then. They would just be an extension of you!
Besides, you'll be more at peace, thinking sharper and clearer when your thoughts are in tune with You. But for that you need to find the YOU first. Just like you said - First, you need to BE.
Confusing your ideas with your Self is the cause of most internal strife, but people rarely get to the point of being able to put a finger on it. I'm glad that you did. It's always a pleasure, meeting people who make it this far :)
PS: There's nothing self-destructive about the means you've chosen to find yourself. In fact, free-falling is, I believe, the only way to be - No spec of dust ever chose where it would fall. Even if it did, would that change anything? :)
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