Renaissance

I am suprised I actually remember my password to this place considering how often I come here to write..I'd be even more surprised if anyone else came here to read..and of course grateful in my own little ungrateful way!

I wish now that I wrote more regularly, it might, just might clear my mind a bit. Now that I sit here, facing the screen, keyborad in front of me with the rare mug of coffee sitting on my table I seemed to have blanked out. All I can think of right now is that 23 square is 529!!.. And that's not such a bad thing to be thinking if you have CAT in a month!!

Let me get straight to the point, if it can be called that

I feel that I'm being re-born. I feel like some very important part of me had a near death experience or was simply sleeping for a while. I didn't know myself. Days I would spend ...well that's just dramatzing it a bit..but yes a part of my brain would sepnd days wondering "who I am"..not in the spiritual-philosophical sense of the phrase rather in the more pragmatic.. who the fuck is this..is this me?? I don't even know this person I don't understand her, why she does what she does why she thinks and feels how she does.
I guess I was growing up- ahh well all these r just theories...lets just say it feels gud to be back again! :)
I didn't enjoy being unsure of myself..questioning my own moves..the intrigues of the inner self r more than I can bear! Confidence is more my thing..I like being this way and I hope I stay this way. whatever that "coma" was that I came out of- I hope I never go into it again!

I really do think however these were my years of growing up, of actually evolving as a person, of finalizing my principles, my tastes, my attitudes...each time I doubted myself and gave myself hell- it was just to create a template for the future to be sure that my choices in life were right to be certain that these were the choices that I would want to be identified with and this is the kind of person I want to become. I still have not become that person, far from it, nor indeed do I even know what that person is like- but I have a general sense of direction!I shall always be my most ruthless critique and I won't enjoy it- but then that's part of the template I've chosen for myself.I wonder if this would make sense to anyone but me or someone who knows me very well.
oh, I love my mind's meanderings- sighh..actually I love anybody's mind's meanderings..
I havn't had my late night chat about kings and cabbages for a long time so there's lots more where this came from but...
well...my philosophical side and my super-practical side r forever in conflict and my super-practical side has had just about enough of this bull-shit!
:)